Tuesday, 23 February 2010


I’m afraid that like Simon Bates before the film on an old rented VHS cassette, I must issue a warning about the following blog.

It contains rude words.

If you are easily offended, are the ghost of Mary Whitehouse or are a Victorian lady who has left her smelling salts at home then go because you are not going to be able to handle the flipping plops that I am about to lay down.

OK. I don’t ever offer guidance in this blog. I am the very last person to give anyone any advice. I am an idiot, a klutz, a shemozzle and a bozo. If you ever find yourself in a position where you think you might need some counsel from yours truly then find a priest or a shrink because your life will have gone way off beam. However, as you asked here is a nugget from my brain.

Be careful about what you say around a four year old because they start repeating things.

Last week my son was playing a game and was losing. Without any drama or fuss he gave a long sigh then said the word ‘bollocks’.

Now, it’s not the worst word in the world but I’m afraid I reacted quite badly. All I seemed able to do was to say, ‘I’m sorry, what did you say?’ over and over again. Every time I asked him he sighed again and repeated the aforementioned ‘b’ word. I think he said it five or six times before I was led away, eye twitching like Herbert Lom in a Pink Panther movie. It is, or course, what I say absentmindedly if I get cut up in the car, or my team miss a penalty, or I can’t get the lid off a jar. I had to tell him that it wasn’t a very nice word and that daddy was naughty for saying it. So far he hasn’t said it again.

Now though he is drawing people that look like enormous phalluses (see above).


Monday, 8 February 2010

Killing Part 2

My son's class chatted about 'machines' the other day. The picture above is the machine he invented. I asked him what the machine did and he told me it was a Squashing Machine. Oh, I said and what does it squash. People, he said, it squashes people until they're dead.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Dad of the Year 2008

So John Terry has been stripped of the England captaincy. Fabio Capello’s decision was swift, merciless and ‘for the good of the team’. It took approximately 12 minutes into their face –to-face meeting for the England manager to inform Terry of his decision. I guess the question that is on everybody’s lips is will William R Johnson act just as quickly..? William R Johnson is the CEO of Heinz, the company that makes Daddies Sauce, the condiment that bestowed the mantle of ‘Dad of the Year 2008’ upon John Terry’s broad shoulders just 18 short months ago.

There will, no doubt, be confusion created by the continued silence from Heinz’s Pennsylvanian HQ today. When will they comment on this alleged serious breach of trust from the recipient of one of Western civilisation’s most important parenting standards..? I’m sure a lot of people reading the tabloids will feel angry, disillusioned even and will be saying, “hey Daddies Sauce, what the flipping Christ we’re you playing at..? How could you have so badly got it wrong with JT..? I mean is that really the sort of behaviour that a Daddies Sauce Dad of the Year would display..?”.

Well, just hold on buddy.

Let’s just examine the evidence a bit more forensically shall we..?

Let’s not jump to any hasty conclusions based on rumours and conjecture.

First off, JT’s daughters are only three so he wasn’t even in contention for the Dad of the Year award until 2007. Unfortunately in 2007 and just before his Blenheim Palace wedding to his childhood sweetheart (now wife) he admitted to her that he had been unfaithful. At the time he said: “I really regret what I’ve done to Toni. I’m not going to cheat on her again.” OK, so he was probably out of the running for the award in 2007.

Last year, the News of the World made some allegations about JT arranging a behind-the-scenes tour of Chelsea’s training ground in exchange for ten grand. In a statement Chelsea rejected the statement but the Heinz bods might have thought that that plus the allegations about his dad probably ruled Terry out of the 2009 prize.

However, in 2008 there was nothing, not a scandal or allegation in sight. JT was as clean as a whistle and so absolutely deserved the award. I mean, there was the tiny matter of him picking up a £60 fine for parking in a disabled parking bay outside a Pizza Express. But then who’s more important for God’s sake..? John Terry or some disabled nobody..? Actually, if you think about it the council were at fault on this one because by rights they should have provided JT with his own parking bay outside the Pizza Express. And as the fine was only about the same as he gets paid every 15 minutes because JT is so brilliant and important no wonder this pathetic indiscretion didn’t count against him.

No, you see in 2008 John Terry was the perfect choice to be Daddies Sauce Dad of the Year. Either that or the award is a piece of pointless PR fluff and about as meaningful as Kerry Katona being twice crowned ‘Celebrity Mum of the Year’.

But that can’t be true, can it..? I mean, she’s an exceptional role model.

Monday, 1 February 2010


Last week I asked my eldest son what he had done at his best friend’s house.

He said.
My brow furrowed.
We killed each other.

That was the last I heard before I swooned to the floor and had to be revived with smelling salts.
He has talked a lot about death recently, well actually that’s not true he has talked a lot about killing. Mainly killing me or his mum or his friends but always the constant is the killing.

We’ve just moved house and he found a box that had an old Star Wars electronic battleships game that he has become obsessed with. It features some tinny recordings from the movie to accompany the action on the battle zone. So now the soundtrack of his childhood consists of the sound of explosions, followed by the sound of him shouting, “got him. I killed him”, followed by Darth Vader saying ‘impressive’ as if he’s grooming him to become a bad Jedi.

After I played battleships with him the other day he was in tears at the end because I wouldn’t tell him who gets killed in the film. I said we’d watch it together one day and didn’t want to spoil it.

Oh please tell me who gets killed, Daddy
Erm, well, I can’t really remember.
Oh please Daddy. Oh please Daddy
Oh well, erm there are casualties on both sides.
Oh please Daddy, please Daddy, who gets killed Daddy x 10000

I can remember seeing a documentary about American serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer a few years ago where they interviewed the people who knew him in his early life. Remember kids, no good ever comes from spelling Geoffrey with a ‘J’. Apparently Jeffers showed a propensity for death at a young age by killing a lot of animals and then burying them in his garden. Those that spoke of this were quick to point out that in retrospect they should have recognised this behaviour as an early warning signal for his future killings.

Now I know that a ton of kids go through the ‘killing’ stage but every time he asks me about death, all I can think is that in some courtroom in the future I’m going to tell this story and some flashy, punk-ass lawyer will ask me why I never saw the signs.

On the other hand he is also obsessed with the musical Hello Dolly!

Oh dear god no!