Thursday, 12 November 2009

Football Part 2... the Football Fairy

My wife is trying to make our son support Liverpool. I’m a Man Utd supporter. She seems to find this very funny. It is not.

I blame myself for neglecting this area of my son’s education. I was too busy making rockets out of cardboard boxes and gluing tiny pieces of paper to other slightly larger pieces of paper to realise what was going on. Looking back I realise that I had left him exposed to the potential manipulation of some malignant force in his life i.e his mummy. My advice to other father’s would be that your child must have a rudimentary knowledge of your team’s best goals, sexiest players and most amusing chants by their third birthday at the very, very least.

However, all is not lost and thanks to a combination of ridiculous promises, outright lies and untold bribery, you too could save your child.

Just follow these easy steps in this handy cut-out-and-keep guide to brainwashing your eldest son.

1. Buy a ton of tat from the football team of your choice. In my case this has included Man United pyjamas, a Man United clock, a Man United football and a Man United football kit.

2. Create a wondrous and magical character imbued with traits of love, kindness and generosity who will give the tat to your child. Think Santa and then times it by a hundred. I came up with the “football fairy” so feel free to use that or come up with something else. For instance, Newcastle United fans might like to come up with the Sports Fairy.

3. Drip feed your child the footie goodies. You don’t need to give them everything at once but it is important that each item comes with a personalised note from the Football Fairy expressly forbidding the supporting of any other team.

4. Cry yourself to sleep in utter self-loathing at how pathetic you are.

And so far so good. My boy still thinks that Manchester United is a person but you know, from tiny acorns and all that. I just thank the great football fairy that he’s stopped banging on about Stephen bloody Gerrard.

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